Meetup at Venisha's

Dr Stake shrugs and says, "Here, have papadum with chutney. Is helps."

"What about me is not seeming sane? I have job, students, a vision of how to change world for better, if only they would listen. The fools! Someday I'll show them all!"

He stops, notes the stares and says " Kidding of course. Was wanting to see your faces," and breaks out in a big grin.

Alex shakes his head at the scene. "You are all almost as crazy as I am, and I'm certifiable. That said, I'm also a complete ass. Sorry about that, all of you. I am just not good at opening up and actually asking people. I've gotten way to used to people saying no. Now if you excuse me, I really need to apologize to the host."

He heads back to what he assumes to be Venisha's room and knocks on the door. "It's Alex. I'm sorry I'm an inconsiderate ass. I'm sorry that I brought drama into your house. I'm sorry that even though I promise to try really hard not to, I'll likely do something this stupid again. Mostly, I'm sorry for jabbing at what I suspect is an insecurity, even if I meant it as a compliment. Admittedly, prefaced with 'fuck you', it probably didn't sound that way."

He pauses for a moment, then continues. "Anya forgave me without hitting me. You can hit me if you want. That being said, I am open to resuscitation but not to life support beyond a month. Please keep that mind if you decide to kick my ass."

He shakes his head rapidly. "No, I deserve a lecture. I agree with you, and everything you say about growth. Hell, not clogging up a cycle is literally the basics of the Euthanatos philosophy. But please understand me when I say I'm not always aware of how things will turn out. I have...blind spots. It's partially because of my Technocratic training...shit."

Alex turns and starts to walk back towards the group. "I am not ready for this...but I think I can do this now. At least some of it. Everyone needs to hear this. Hurry up and follow me before I lose my nerve."

As Alex and Venisha re-enter the living room, Anya hops up and swiftly makes her way to Venisha. Venisha can see that Anya's eyes are still red-rimmed, but she's smiling pleasantly enough as she quickly searches Venisha's face. Just as quickly, she gives Venisha a hug, and starts to drag her to the couch.

"Come sit by me! I've been dying to ask you since we met, can I braid your hair? It's so lovely and thick!"

Alex leans against the table, bracing himself with both arms. "I apologize for my behavior. I will try to be better, but I'm not promising anything. But as a show of trust, and as an explanation..."

He trails off for a moment, and a small twitch forms in his left cheek. A moment later he shakes his head, then grits his teeth. There's a flash of something like pain across his face, then he gasps, and when he speaks his voice sounds shakey and strained. "Damn it, that is always a struggle. Incomplete deprogramming from Technocratic indoctrination."

He quickly slumps into a chair at the table. "The Technocracy wants people who are intelligent, creative and innovative, but only within the strictures of their system. That's part of the reason I was chosen for their project; I had all the positive qualities and almost none of the negatives. It helped that I was pretty patriotic, being a New Yorker who was the son of two immigrant families who managed to make it big in the States. But I once they started pulling the curtain back, showing how much they could push the boundaries, I asked a lot of uncomfortable questions. I wasn't the only one, but I was pretty vocal. So we received some 'extra tutoring' on the cutting-edge methods. Basically low-grade brainwashing. Nothing heavy; their ultimate goal was to either train a person to accept a Technocratic paradigm and reject all others. But they also hoped some of use would Awaken, so they didn't want to be too heavy handed and crush us."

He takes a moment and readjusts how he's sitting, then continues. "The problem was stress can break it. They took a kid, barely 23, gave me a fake identity to portray me as almost being 30 with a full background, and stuck me in an ER to get experience. Trying to keep all the bogus information straight while treating someone who's hemorrhaging was hard, but they saw something in me, I don't know what. So they pull me as the attaché field medic for a military contractor in Iraq. With a new back story. Then when I was breaking there, they transferred me to a blacksite in Pakistan, to provide aftercare for prisoners of extraordinary renditions. By that point, I asked for additional 'training'...you have to understand, all my information came from the inside. I had even more privileged information then a lot of military generals and upper-level politicians had and I didn't realize how much I didn't actually know. I needed something to help me cope with what I though was bad things being done for the greater good. So they taught me how to ignore those annoying emotions completely and focus on the task at hand."

He sighs. "Then they made the incredibly terrible decision of putting me in charge of caring for Mandeep. An incredibly proficient mind mage. They though they stripped him of everything he uses as a focus...but I was smoking at the time, and often did while treating patients, despite regulars. He liked smoking a hookah while performing the arts, and actually spent a month retraining himself mentally so he could use my cigarette smoke as a focus. That, coupled with a vast understanding of psychological trickery, was enough for him to wear down my shields. Pretty soon he was just asking me for a smoke. A month after that, I helped him escape with two comrades after swiping ever bit of information I could."

Alex looks spent. "But the problem is...I suffered a lot of additional trauma along the way. So I sometimes slip back into habits, which make me...very impersonal. So you see now why I was hesitant to become the leader here. The same traits that make me valuable to you are the remnants of a series of very bad decisions that were made."